


Monster

by adanseys



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-19
Updated: 2013-01-19
Packaged: 2017-11-26 03:31:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adanseys/pseuds/adanseys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Fine. I love you. I don’t know how long for, or why I do, but I do. That good enough for you?” Jace said spitefully. “Now help me clean up or I swear I will kill you again.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster

   Midnight: the safest yet most dangerous time of night; quiet enough to know when you’re alone, yet dark enough to not have the slightest clue. For a mundane, midnight could be both romantic and perilous. For a Shadowhunter, midnight meant one thing: danger. How deceitful, the blond Nephilim thought to himself as he strolled through the park, Mundanes have no idea of the true dangers of the dark.  
   Nobody had told Jace to go out alone, he didn’t even know if there were any demon occurrences in the area, but he just needed to break free from it all: the guilt for the things he‘d done, the worry of not knowing what would happen next, and the thing he’d never thought he’d say, but he had to get away from Clary. How could she love him so, knowing the things he’d done? And after everything that had happened, only a fool would believe that they were truly meant to be.  
   So Jace walked alone, stele in hand and blade in his belt, through the empty park in an attempt to clear his head. He breathed a heavy sigh and continued walking aimlessly.  
Just then, an ear-pitching scream echoed through the surroundings. Where from? Who did it belong to? And more importantly: why? He skimmed the horizon, and heard the noise again. He deduced that it belonged to a man, and it was probably coming from near the trees on the other side of the park. Without stopping to think, he sprinted to the oak unleashing the glowing blade. He said its name aloud, Castiel, not caring about whether a mundane noticed.  
   The screams had turned into pants and groans, and were growing louder and louder.  
   “I’m coming!” Jace yelled. If it were day, he may have been more reluctant to seek out a mundane man, but the horrors he knew that lurked in the night made him say yes.  
He reached the tree, and with revulsion he looked down to see a body oozing dark red blood. A boy’s body, maybe about sixteen or seventeen, with curly ginger hair. The sight of his hair reminded him of Clary, and sent a queasy feeling in his stomach. There were two puncture marks in his neck, which could only mean one thing--  
   He looked up, there was a figure hunching over the boy’s neck. He was a boy, about the same age as the bloody figure on the ground. Through the shining light of his sword he saw his light blue t-shirt stained with her blood, his dark hair hanging over his forehead. There was something about him that looked awfully familiar…  
   The creature looked up at him and hissed.  
   He did know him.  
   Simon.  
   “Simon!” Jace exclaimed, his voice full of disgust, with the slightest hint of fear. “What the hell?”  
   Simon looked up at him, his coffee-coloured eyes devoid of emotion. Jace had only seen him like a full vampire once, and funnily enough, Jace had been his victim. His stained fangs were out, his expression angry. Jace didn’t know whether to retreat or reason with him.  
   “Put the fangs away, bloodsucker,” Jace sneered. He didn’t want to give the impression that he was frightened of Simon in his vampire state. Well technically, he was always in his vampire state, but most of the time he just acted like his ordinary geeky, incredibly annoying self that was about as threatening as a teddy bear. Although Simon had proved himself on a number of occasions, Jace still wouldn’t admit that he liked him.  
   When Simon said nothing, Jace held out his blade and repeated himself. “I said, put them away.” Simon repulsed away from the weapon. The Angel’s blade burned him.  
   “Stop,” Simon breathed, more out of habit than necessity. Jace raised his eyebrows. “I said stop!”  
   “You aren’t going to eat me are you?” Jace’s voice dripped sarcasm.  
   “Why…” Simon paused. He looked down. His hands coated in blood, and even worse, a body beneath him. “Did I…Did I kill someone?” He whispered. Contrasting with how he looked a minute ago, he was completely filled with guilt.  
   “No,” Jace replied, “at least, I don’t think so.” Jace pressed two fingers to his wrist. He still had a pulse, meaning he was still alive- for now. “We have to get him help otherwise he will die, and if he does it’ll be all your fault.” Jace quipped. “What were you thinking, Simon?” It was harsh, but it was the truth.  
   “I don’t know what came over me,” was the quiet response.  
   “When was the last time you fed, vampire?”  
   “Four days ago,“ Simon said. “I’m sorry, I should have fed but--”  
   “Well why didn’t you?” Jace demanded. He didn’t know why he seemed to care so much all of a sudden. “You know what happens when you don’t feed. If you needed blood, you could’ve gotten some from Taki’s.”  
   Jace attempted to mop up the blood using the shirt of his sleeve. “Why do you have to be such a messy eater?” Jace laughed half-heartedly.  
   “I’m sorry, next time I’ll use a knife and fork,” Simon snapped. “Why don’t you try biting through someone’s neck with your teeth? It’s not as easy as it looks.”  
   Jace remembered when Raphael had brought a dying Simon to the Institute. He was covered in blood, anyone would have believed him to be dead. His wrists had been slashed open, his neck a bloody mess. For some reason, the memory was painful. Like the thought of the former mundane being hurt was too horrible to think about, like he actually cared for him.  
   “Don’t be stupid, Simon, normal cutlery would never cut through her skin properly,” Jace sighed. “Look, we might as well just try to clean up here and take him somewhere safe. He’s still breathing, luckily. I got here just in time; any longer and you’d have drank him dry.”  
   “I’m a monster, aren’t I?” Simon whispered, looked down, feeling ashamed of himself. Jace couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. Ever since he had Turned he’d never really considered how he well he’d adjusted to vampire life. While Clary had coped considerably well with Shadowhunter training, Simon must’ve found it hard. Finding out you’re a Shadowhunter is one thing, at least they’re fighting for good, but to be a vampire, a monstrous creature feared by most people? It can’t be easy.  
   But then Jace remembered there was a time when he thought he was a monster. All those months ago in Idris when he thought he had demon blood, not just any demon but a Greater Demon, and hating himself for it. He remembered feeling disgusted with himself, not even being able to look at his own reflection (and anyone who knew Jace knew this was rare) without feeling of utter self-loathing. Falling in love with your own sister? What kind of sick creep does that? What monster lusts after his own flesh and blood?  
Without saying anything, Jace lifted up the boy. He was lighter than he’d expected. “Where should we take him?” Simon asked. “We can’t take him to a hospital because--”  
   Because they’d see her throat was bitten open.  
   “I don’t know. Magnus’ maybe?” Jace suggested, although he wasn’t sure that Magnus would be happy with the two boys showing up on his doorstep with a random unconscious guy, no matter how much he loved Alec. “We can’t take her to the Institute. They’d ask me why I was out in the first place.”  
Jace could have kicked himself for saying that.  
   “Why were you out here?” Simon asked. “I can’t imagine it was because you were seeking my company, no matter how pleasant I am to be around.”  
   “You’re no more pleasant to be around than a spider,” Jace remarked. He wasn’t fussed about spiders personally, but he knew how much Alec hated them. “Let’s just take him to the Institute, patch her up, then figure out what to do. I’m sure Alec’ll be able to think of something.”  
Jace was thankful for the dark and how it concealed what he was carrying. In the light, well, carrying a bloody person wasn’t the best thing to do. He just hoped there wouldn’t be anyone else walking around. Making a mental note of not to stray too close to any clubs or bars, he began to walk in the direction of the Institute with Simon following closely behind. It would have been easier for Simon to carry him, with his vampire strength, but he didn’t want to look weak in front of Simon.  
   Why did he care so much about what Simon thought of him?  
   “I’m sorry I got you into this,” Simon said. “I should take the blame for this.”  
   “Yes, you should,” Jace replied, looking straight ahead. But then he remembered how much he hated himself when he thought he was a monster. “But don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not your fault you were hungry.”  
   “But it is, I should have fed. You said it yourself: blood is blood.” Jace was surprised that Simon had mentioned that, and felt a bit smug that Simon admitted he was right. “Well, why didn’t you?”  
   “Most of my blood was in my fridge at home, and it’s not like I can just waltz in there and ask for my bottles of blood back, can I?” Simon sighed. That was another thing Jace hadn’t considered: Simon’s family. How hard must it be to not only think of yourself as a monster, but for your own family to condemn you for being one? Simon really had lost everything by becoming a vampire. Jace couldn’t help but feel guilty. After all, wasn’t the reason why Simon was what he was because of him? He’d bitten Raphael to stop him from hurting Jace, and that was how he’d ingested vampire blood. If he hadn’t done that, he wouldn’t have went back to the Dumort…  
   "You could have went to Taki's," Jace suggested, trying to soften his tone.  
   "It's just," Simon trailed off, shaking his head. Jace looked at him, and gestured for him to continue. "Sometimes I just hope that maybe, if I can put off feeding, then maybe, just maybe, I won't need to again."  
   Jace would have laughed, had his tone not been so sad or self-loathing, feelings Jace knew to well. "You know that's not how it works."  
   Simon shrugged, and made it clear that he didn't want to elaborate.  
   They walked for the rest of the journey in silence. There were so many things Jace wanted to say to Simon, but words seemed to fail him. It was funny how seeing someone giving into their inner monster made you relate to them most, like them most, care for them most. He wanted to tell him that he wasn’t a monster, that there was nothing wrong with him, that everyone loved him despite his condition…  
   That he loved him too.  
   Did I really just think that? Jace thought to himself. No, there’s no way I love Simon. But didn’t he? Didn’t he willingly let Simon drink from him to save his life? Didn’t he say to Simon that he would have let him kill him? When he first had the nightmares about Clary, who did he go to? Simon, of all people. He could have stayed with Magnus and Alec, with Luke, with anyone, but Simon. The Simon who at the time he didn’t even like. He’d told himself that it was because of Clary that he cared for Simon. He’d saved Simon’s life because of how Clary would feel. All that time he was just lying about his own feelings, trying to suppress his emotions, deny them, convince himself they didn’t exist.  
Who would have thought? Jace smiled to himself.  
   I love Simon Lewis.  
   Simon stopped dead in his tracks. “What?”  
   Jace froze. Did he say that out loud? Quickly, he tried to cover it up with his usual wit. “We’re not going to get to the Institute just be standing here, now come on.”  
   “That’s weird. I thought you just said you were in love with me. I know I’m incredibly good looking and my sexy vampire mojo is--”  
   “I said nothing,” Jace said furiously, cutting the vampire off mid-sentence. How could he have been so stupid as to say that aloud? “And there’s no such thing as sexy vampire mojo.”  
   “Jace,” Simon said. His name sounded so nice coming from his lips. “I know what you said.”  
   “What? I said I love Miming…” What rhymed with ‘Lewis’? He hated how he was just digging himself into a deeper and deeper whole. The only way he could climb back out was if Simon were to say it back, but that wouldn’t happen. Simon was straight. He loved Clary for years, and he had all that chemistry with Isabelle. Having said that, Jace loved Clary too, or he did once. Now, there just wasn't much there anymore. Clary hated him, wouldn't even speak to him. Maybe there was a possible chance Simon felt the same way too. But Jace knew better than to dwell on unrequited love, or to ponder over feelings.  
   “You love miming? That’s a talent you never told me about,” Simon chuckled, though his heart didn’t seem to be in it. His mind seemed to be somewhere else. “Look, Jace, if you have something to say to me you might as well just say it.”  
   They were right outside the Institute now. Jace pretended not to hear him, and he muttered the usual entrance chant. He hoped he wouldn’t wake anyone.  
   “Jace, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m a vampire. I can’t go any further than this, so if you’ve got something to tell me you might as well tell me now,” Simon demanded. Why was he so curious to know?  
   “Fine. I love you. I don’t know how long for, or why I do, but I do. That good enough for you?” Jace said spitefully. “Now help me clean up or I swear I will kill you again.”

**

   Jace had taken Simon into the Sanctuary, the only place of the building where vampires could enter. Simon had wondered whether the angel blood in his veins would allow him to walk further into the church, but he didn’t have the guts to try. Here, they had mopped up the blood from the boy's body (though the clothes were something different altogether) without speaking a word to each other apart from the odd instruction.  
   Jace’s confession had been so out of the blue it had shaken him up. He didn’t know how to respond. Was he supposed to ignore it and act like it had never happened? Or should he tell him how he really felt? The latter would have been the better option, except Simon didn’t even know how he felt. He definitely had strong feelings for Isabelle, and in a way he still loved Clary (you never forgot your first love) but Jace? He definitely liked him, although he would never say it aloud, but love? That was a different story.  
   When he’d first laid eyes on the Nephilim, he’d been incredibly judgemental in the fact that he’d assumed he’d be the cocky, arrogant boy who’d mess around with a girl and then throw her away without a second’s thought. Half of that was true (Jace was quite narcissistic at times), but in reality Jace was so much more: brave, caring, devoted, loyal…beautiful. It was easy to see why anybody would love Jace, but what was it about himself that made Jace care about him so much?  
   They’d been through a lot together, he supposed. There was the fact that he had willingly let him drink his blood, and now Jace’s angelic blood coursed through his veins. But he couldn’t even fathom the idea of Jace being in love with him. Weren’t they supposed to hate each other? And what would Clary think? Even though he wasn’t in love with her any more, he still hated the idea of her heart being broken, especially by someone like Jace. He must have been messing with me, as usual, he thought.  
   After all, there was nothing particularly special about him. He was a Daylighter, which was certainly an oddity amongst vampires, but aside from that what else was there? By no means was he the best-looking boy in the world, neither was he the smartest, funniest, bravest, kindest or anything. He knew he had some redeeming qualities, but somehow he thought ‘being able to play video games for twelve hours straight’ or ’listening to more albums in one year than other teenagers do in their life’ weren’t things people tended to want in a boyfriend.  
   He looked at Jace, who had refused to make eye contact since his confession, and wondered what went on in his head. He had once said to Isabelle that usually ‘he looked like he was thinking of something deep and meaningful but if you ask him he’d punch you in the face’. There were all sorts of things he was desperate to ask, but dare he ask?  
How long had he liked him? Why did he like him? Did he prefer him to Clary? What had drawn him to him?  
   Shut up, Lewis, you’re not thirteen years old, Simon mentally scolded himself. “Why do I even care?” he muttered inaudibly.  
   “Care about what?” Jace murmured, still refusing to look at him.  
   “About what you said. I mean, it was a joke, right?” Simon shrugged. Why else would Jace say such a thing? Of course, it had to be a joke. No way would Jace Lightwood be interested in a Downworlder like him. Simon couldn’t believe he was so stupid to fall for it, although a part of him wished it wasn’t a joke. Did I really just think that?  
   “You can’t be serious?” Jace finally looked at him, his eyes full of anguish. “You actually think what I said was a joke?”  
   “Why wouldn’t it be? You love Clary, and nerdy bass-playing vampires don’t really seem to be your type. Or anyone's really.” Simon replied. He added the last part in to try and lighten the mood, but it didn’t seem to be working.  
   “No offence, but you can’t even play bass properly. And your band sucks,” Jace said truthfully. Simon wasn’t offended; he knew his band was awful. “As for Clary…I don’t even know how I feel about her any more.”  
   “Of course you do; you’re in love with her. And I swear, Lightwood, if you break her heart…”  
   “You’ll what? Kill me? Go ahead,” Jace spread out his arms, gesturing for him to have a go.  
   “I don’t want to kill you, I couldn’t do it, I just want answers.”  
   “Answers?” Jace said skeptically.  
   “Well first of all, what’s going on with you and Clary that’s so bad you’re looking at other people?” A part of Simon was waiting for Jace to scream ‘fooled you!’ (or something along those lines), as there was no way any of this was real. What was that show he and Clary used to watch? Punk’d? Maybe he was being Punk’d, Shadow-World style. Maybe this was being broadcast onto all Downworlder televisions, and Luke and Raphael and Camille were all laughing at his misfortune.  
   Jace breathed a heavy sigh. “You know when you love someone, and they love you back, but it’s just not enough?”  
   Simon shook his head.  
   “We’ve been through so much, I don’t think we can be with her any more. I mean, I thought she was my sister for God’s sake. That alone should be enough to put you off wanting someone. And after that, all those dreams, those visions…How could I have been so stupid as to believe that we were meant for each other?” Jace spoke so sadly, Simon couldn’t help but feel bad for him, but at the same time he was quite mad.  
   “But where does Clary come into this? None of this is her fault.”  
   “It isn’t, you’re right, and I feel horrible for thinking it, but put yourself in my position. Would you still want to be with someone? And don’t be biased because you grew up with her.”  
   Simon really tried to think of it. He tried to picture the scenario with Isabelle. Would he really want to be with her after all that had happened? In a way, he would have been even more desperate to try and make it work, to make up for all the lost time, but he couldn’t help but agree with him.  
   “I guess you’re right, but that doesn’t mean that breaking up with her is the right thing to do.” Simon sighed. “Another question: why me out of all people? I’m sure there are much better, female, Shadowhunters who would kill just to be with you for one date. You’re practically a legend among modern Shadowhunters.”  
   “That’s true,” Jace laughed. He had a gorgeous laugh, Simon had to admit. “Why you? Why not you? You and I, we’ve been through a lot together haven’t we?”  
   Simon expected Jace to recite a monologue or something detailing all of the times they had together, all the memories, everything that had brought them closer, but he didn’t. It seemed like a very Jace thing to do.  
   “Yeah, I guess we have,” Simon smiled. He tried to imagine a life in which he and Clary had never went to Pandemonium on that night. Clary may never have found out her Shadowhunter heritage, Simon probably wouldn’t be a vampire, Alec may never have met Magnus, the Shadowhunters would not have won the war, and they never would have met the amazing new people they considered family: Isabelle, Alec, Magnus, Jace. It was funny how the boy he had previously hated he now considered to be like his family. “It’s strange.”  
   “What?”  
   “I used to always wish I could go back in time, convince Clary not to go to Pandemonium. I always felt like if it weren’t for you, Clary may have liked me back. I wouldn’t have been Turned, that’s for sure, my mom wouldn’t think I’m a monster,” his voice couldn’t help but crack as he said this. “But in a way, it was sort of the best thing that ever happened to me.”  
   “Becoming a vampire?” Jace asked doubtfully. “I thought you hated it.”  
   “Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather be a mundane again. That’s not what I meant, though. I meant going there. If we hadn’t, well, everything would be so much different, and I’m not sure if it’d be good-different or bad-different. I wouldn’t have met you, that’s for sure.”  
   “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Jace asked.  
   “Definitely a good thing.” Simon grinned, and Jace smiled back. His deep brown eyes met with Jace’s golden ones, and stayed there. He looked down at Jace’s lips, which were in a half-smile, and without knowing, he crept ever so slightly towards him, without breaking eye contact. Like a magnet, their faces were pulled towards each other. They grew closer and closer, until their lips were just about to meet and-  
“We need to figure out what to do with the boy,” Simon said, and instantly regretted it. He saw that Jace looked crestfallen.  
   "He’s clean of blood now, we might as well just put him in an alley or something. He’ll think he passed out while drunk.”  
   “Or, instead of leaving a vulnerable, underage boy on the streets to get kidnapped, we take him to the nearest police station and claim we found him on the road,” Simon suggested.  
   “Better idea: Luke’s police station.”  
   “Fine, but first, one thing we need to do first…”  
   Impulsively, Simon pulled the Shadowhunter towards him and kissed him fully on the lips. He didn’t know why, but for some reason it just felt so right, like it was what he was supposed to do. And Jace kissed him back.  
   He’d only kissed two girls in his life: Clary and Isabelle. Never a boy, certainly not anyone like Jace. But never before had a kiss made him feel so alive, like an electric charge running through him, a kiss making him want more and more. He pulled Jace tighter, being cautious of his vampiric strength, and kissed him more. Jace pulled away for a minute to speak. “You’re not a monster, Simon.”  
   Simon smiled awkwardly, shying away from eye contact. "We should get going." Jace rolled his eyes, but grinned.

 

And later, after they’d taken the boy to Luke’s (with some serious explanations), well, there was not a doubt in Simon’s mind about the truth in what Jace said. And even less doubts about what he felt in return.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This was written originally as a birthday fic for my friend, which is why there are references to other fandoms in here.


End file.
